Just a week ago, scores of frosh struggled to finalize their schedules as the deadline to add/drop courses descended upon them. Now, instead of choosing between MATH 51 and CS 106A, frosh will have to decide by the end of Week 5 on Axess which friends will just be “NSO friends,” and which they will put in the effort to make plans with for the rest of their time at Stanford.

The add/drop friends deadline is a new initiative from the Vice Provost for Undergraduate Education (VPUE) to “ease the transition as midterm season reveals who your real friends are.” It is unclear how it will show up on students’ transcripts.

As the shopping period for friends draws to a close, frosh all across Stanford must make some tough decisions about what their social circles will look like for the next four years. Do my NSO buddy and I actually have that much in common, or did we just stick together to not look like we were alone? Is it really worth the effort to keep in touch with a friend who lives all the way over at FroSoCo? 

“I was considering making a new friend the other day, but man, how many extra units is that?” commented local frosh Casey Lane.

Many are looking on in awe at their over-achieving fellow frosh who still plan to go strong with a whopping 21 units of friends — even as their last chance to drop friends rapidly approaches. However, for most frosh who hope to get a reasonable amount of sleep undisturbed by constant group chat notifications from clingy NSO acquaintances, some sacrifices will have to be made.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Paul Mitalipov at [email protected] ‘at’ stanford.edu.