This article is part of a collection of norovirus satire amid the outbreak in freshman dorms.

The Vaden Health Center initiated a campus-wide Cheese Touch Battle this weekend in order to combat the spread of norovirus from dorm to dorm. The official rules state that at the beginning of the week, the dorm with the largest number of noro-infected students (latest polls indicate Burbank) will be declared the initial carrier of the Cheese Touch.

To pass the Cheese Touch on, a student from a carrier dorm needs to come in direct physical contact with one from the receiving dorm. The dorm that receives the Cheese Touch the least number of times over the course of the upcoming fortnight will be crowned the Victor of the Cheese Touch Battle and receive 50 dollars worth of SHPRC credit.

A small segment of students have expressed their discontent with the incentives this battle creates. An anonymous student pointed out, “I know Vaden is doing the right thing but it’s awfully inconvenient. The people from my dorm are now peer-pressuring me not to make out with my contagious girlfriend.”

On the whole though, the student body is highly excited at the thought of revisiting something from their childhood at a dorm-wide level. Vaden has outdone itself by simultaneously garnering student spirit, working towards the health and well-being of every student on campus and, most importantly, limiting the amount of patients they have to misdiagnose. 

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Smiti Mittal at smiti06 ‘at’ stanford.edu.