Satire by Prateek Joshi
Every October, thousands of alumni from all over the world, ranging from the Class of 2019 to the Class of 1949, receive innate hormonal signals to stop whatever they are doing and immediately embark on a voyage towards The Farm in order to pull all-nighters during exam season. 2019 Reunion Homecoming was no different.
“The phenomenon started with the first graduating class in 1895 and has continued ever since,” explained Vice President for Alumni Affairs Howard Wolf ’80, who is also biologically hardwired to spend homecoming weekend sleep-deprived, caffeine-dependent and furiously studying. “Our diverse and accomplished alumni flock to campus via all sorts of oceans, lakes, rivers, deltas and estuaries. I’m lucky enough to already work here, so I just uncontrollably take a few laps in the aquatic center before impulsively cramming for PHYSICS 41 on the second floor of Green Library.”
The yearly tradition also draws large crowds of spectators who are eager to witness this mass migration, which often includes prominent public figures.
“Every year since graduating I just feel this insatiable urge to jump into a body of water and start swimming against the tide towards my alma mater,” said water-soaked New Jersey Senator Cory Booker ’91 MA ’92. “Last week, my motor system just took over and brought me straight into the Mississippi river from a campaign stop in Dubuque, Iowa. From there, I swam nonstop to the Missouri river connection in St. Louis and took that all the way up into Oregon via the Snake and Columbia rivers. I had to wade through some smaller streams until I reached the Sacramento river, which brought me down to the San Francisco Bay and here to Palo Alto.”
After drying himself with a towel in the Main Quad, Booker, alongside fellow 2020 Presidential candidates Julián Castro ’96 and Tom Steyer M.B.A. ’83, unconsciously made his way towards the library to review lecture notes for two classes, finish a CS problem set during office hours, start writing a ten-page research paper and apply for summer internships.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Prateek Joshi at pjoshi2 ‘at’ stanford.edu.