Satire by Lana Tleimat
The house at 664 Lomita, previously inhabited by Stanford’s Kappa Alpha (KA) fraternity, will be reassigned as themed housing for the 2020-21 school year, Vice Provost for Student Affairs Susie Brubaker-Cole announced this week. Starting next autumn quarter, the house will serve as the Cartographic Arts Academic Theme house.
“It’s a community we can trust to uphold the Standards of Excellence,” Brubaker-Cole wrote. “You get 10 Greek houses when you earn 10 Greek houses.”
This decision has been made following KA’s failed attempt to repeal their two-year loss of housing privileges to Provost Persis Drell and a student panel.
“We fought this as hard as we could. It’s out of our hands now,” commented KA President Chad Smith ’21.
This transition is possible in part through collaboration with the Stanford Cartographic Society (SCS). Their student representatives worked with the university to “foster an environment of creativity and precision for the University’s map-making community,” according to the house’s new page on the ResEd website. As requested by the SCS, the house will no longer be searchable on Google Maps and will only be found on TreeMap.
The house is being outfitted with a drafting studio, a single MacBook with publishing software and a map library containing antique maps and over 200 unique globes. No dining options will be offered, and events are prohibited to prevent spills.
“I really believe this choice reflects the wishes of the student body,” said a student in the SCS planning to move into the house next year. “Do you need help getting home? I can give you directions.”
ResEd is currently taking pre-assignment applications in anticipation of an overflow of potential residents. Don’t worry readers, The Daily is still hopeful in securing 550 Lasuen.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Lana Tleimat at ltleimat ‘at’ stanford.edu.