Humor

Facts don’t care about your feelings, but they definitely care about your midterms

Humor by Joseph Zhang
Nov. 6, 2019, 6:53 p.m.

Conservative commentator and “man on every poster this week” Ben Shapiro originally planned to come to Stanford on Thursday for “Facts Don’t Care About Your Feelings” — a lecture where he was supposed to school liberals with cold facts and logic. However, it seems that Week 7 is getting to even the best of us, as it is currently unclear whether Shapiro will still be able to make his grand appearance. 

Statements from various sources close to Shapiro have given us a mixed story. One statement by an unnamed aid, on Oct. 31, read, “Shapiro is majorly spooked by the recent air-quality in the Bay Area. No, not the smoke. In actuality, he is hesitant to breathe the same air as the air that the Stanford liberals breathe.”

Another assistant claimed that the lack of a Notes from the Quad post from Provost Persis Drell meant that not enough controversy had been stirred up to make the trip worth it. Our theory: Ben had a midterm. Come on, who doesn’t this week? Facts may not care about your feelings, but they definitely care about your midterms.

“Ben acknowledges the many extracurricular, job, and course commitments of Stanford students, especially during midterm season, and realizes the inopportune timing of his planned visit,” a statement from Shapiro’s team read. “Therefore, we are considering taking a raincheck on the roast-sesh and scheduling another talk some other time.”

It’s clear that Shapiro came to campus and became too acclimated with Stanford flake culture.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Joseph Zhang at josephz ‘at’ stanford.edu.

Toggle Dark Mode Toggle Dark Mode
Toggle Large Font Size Toggle Font Size

Login or create an account

Apply to The Daily's High School Summer Program

Applications Due Soon

Days
Hours
Minutes
Seconds