New Uni policy on sexual assault involves listening more empathetically before eventually dictating how survivors tell their story

Humor by Prateek Joshi
Nov. 6, 2019, 12:00 a.m.

In response to intense criticism from community members over Stanford’s rejection of Chanel Miller’s proposed quotes for a plaque at the site where she was assaulted by former Stanford swimmer and convicted felon Brock Turner in 2015, the University rolled out a new policy on sexual assault that promises, next time, to first listen and give compassionate nods to survivors before eventually dictating how they should tell their story. 

“We apologize for our mishandling of Ms. Miller’s request and are thus implementing a new policy that requires the University to listen patiently and intently to a survivor even though we know we’ll eventually censor them,” reads a recent Notes from the Quad blog post, which came in response to a petition with more than 2,000 signatories calling for the plaque to be installed with Miller’s original quote.

At press time, the University even suggested an alternate title for Chanel Miller’s best-selling memoir, but only after administrators had intently read the book cover to cover.  

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only. 

Contact Prateek Joshi at pjoshi2 ‘at’

Prateek, a former editor-in-chief of Brown University’s satirical newspaper (The Brown Noser), signed with the Stanford Daily’s satire section in free agency. He also had one glorious month-long stint contributing headlines to The Onion, none of which were published. Feel free to send him article suggestions and harsh criticism at pjoshi2 ‘at’ His favorite hobby is getting an M.S. in Civil and Environmental Engineering (Class of 2021), focusing on sustainable energy systems. When he’s not satirizing, he’s fervently searching for whoever had the nerve to claim the “pjoshi1” email username.

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