Satire by Chinmaya Andukuri
Every year, hundreds of frosh make their way up north for snow trip at the start of winter quarter. Like in the case of so many migratory birds, this seasonal journey is one imperative for survival and for clout — a weekend filled with hot tubbing, hot cocoa and (hot?) quenching of skin hunger.
This year, however, chaos has ensued as all the snow within a hundred-mile radius of Lake Tahoe has melted, along with the hopes and dreams of new students. Multiple freshman dorms — Arroyo, Otero, JRo, FloMo, CoHo, HoHo, RoHo — have postponed their trips indefinitely, citing rapidly rising temperatures and melting of ice everywhere in the last 30 to 40 years as reasons. Instead, disappointed frosh have begun trying to “ski the dish” and make “concrete angels” here on the Farm as they try desperately to squeeze every bit of youthful energy out of their first year on campus.
“Stanford failed my vibe check hard. If I knew global warming would get my ski trip cancelled, I would’ve bribed my way into Harvard instead,” said Grant Ed Priv-Ledge. “They probably don’t even remember how much I paid them to not let this happen. It’s just, like, not cool.”
Some think it’s unfair to blame Stanford for not fixing global warming. After all, there’s not very much a well-respected institution can do to address issues related to climate change with only a $27 billion endowment and a lot of oil and gas investments. But for now, that’s the last thing on the minds of students. They just want to be really cold for a few days — is that too much to ask?
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Chinmaya Andukuri at andukuri ‘at’ stanford.edu.