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How I stormed Apple’s Infinite Loop and got abducted

Satire by

Unlike most Stanford students that went home to meet family over the winter break, I had a different plan in mind. Don’t get me wrong, seeing family and all is cool, but getting early access to the latest and greatest from Apple is an opportunity I won’t pass on.

I got up half an hour before dawn and got ready. My outfit consisted mostly of camouflage for “+100 sneak.” I strapped on my boots, a backpack full of various tools that would prove helpful later on and, most importantly, my Stanford ID card.

Arriving at the Infinite Loop at around 7 a.m., I started doing reconnaissance. Looking for a way in, I ended up going around the building four different times with no trace of an exploitable entrance. This inconvenience stumped me down –– mind you this was still the beginning of my noble quest, so things weren’t looking so great.

Channeling all of my brain juice and initializing my big brain mode, I decided that the only way in was through one of the main entrances.

Getting ready to Naruto run straight into one of the glass doors to make my way in, I glimpsed a guard out of the corner of my eye who had spotted me.

This was yet another bump in my quest to infiltrate big tech since I didn’t get to intern there, but I managed to get in. Was it my charismatic and charming personality that persuaded him to let me in? My Stanford ID card? My black belt in Taekwondo? Maybe it was the arrow-like bolt that was launched from my cardinal red elastic ranged crossbow that I programmed to shoot automatically (yay CS 107E)? The world may never know. All you need to know is that I got to trespass on Apple’s campus.

After sneaking in successfully, I found something so amazing that cannot be described by words.

I found…

We interrupt this satirical piece to bring you breaking news — a Stanford student abducted by what eye witnesses could only describe as a Lamborghini yellow UFO-like spaceship with some sort of glitching text that alternated between “OY” and “YO.”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Ruslan AlJabari at rjabari ‘at’ stanford.edu.