Satire by Malia Mendez
For the first time, Stanford has offered public comment on the strange species of campus squirrel that has disturbed students for years. Many posts on social media have popularized the hashtag #collegesquirrels, and after public outcry users finally have some answers.
According to a statement issued by the Stanford Psychophysiology Laboratory, the abnormal squirrels are a result of “an animal EEG experiment that underwent severe technical difficulties” the same year as the Stanford Prison Experiment. In the wake of the bad press, research assistants in the lab released accidentally electrocuted squirrels for fear of losing their final credits to graduate.
The statement continues, “University officials decided that in order to further deescalate the situation, they would grant the squirrels complete freedom.” The squirrels now roam among more average, less electrocuted squirrels across campus.
One tweet remarks, “those little f*ckers are always jumping directly in front of my bike tire on my way to class.” The squirrels are apparently still causing some disruption, but we are grateful that they have been granted some sense of normalcy after their traumatic situations.
University President Marc Tessier-Lavigne commented, “These squirrels bring diversity to this campus, and I cannot emphasize the value they add to our community. To be different is a powerful life skill. I am honored to witness the journeys of these trouper squirrels on my morning walks throughout campus.”
So far, the University has given no indication that they intend to separate the less electrocuted squirrels from the more electrocuted squirrels — breaking from the precedent set when the Biology Department lost their talking jackrabbits or when the School of Medicine accidentally released their narcoleptic puppy.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Malia Mendez at mjm2000 ‘at’ stanford.edu.