Satire by Nestor Walters
In a recent analysis of the Stanford Marriage Pact questionnaire, Stanford men proved, once again, that boys have their priorities straight: designer clothes, jokes and muffin tops.
Out of over 50 questions, men at Stanford disproportionately ranked, “I would be disappointed if my partner gained weight” and, “I prefer politically incorrect humor,” among others, as the most important to them (unfortunately, this is the only line that isn’t satirical). We caught up with some real, mature Stanford men to understand their choices.
“We wanted to take a stand for men everywhere,” said Chad Bradford ’20, who spearheaded the coordinated effort to promote these topics, in an exclusive interview with The Occasionally. “What with all the talk of — I can’t even say the words — you know, T.M., I thought it was important Stanford men lead from the front and set the example for men and boys everywhere, you know?”
“See, when we’re talking about designer brands,” said Brody Chadwick ’22, a faithful acolyte, “we’re talking about so much more than gender roles. We’re engaging age, class, social status, fair trade, environmental responsibility. Take these snakeskin crocs for example. What would happen if that snake were alive? Maybe it kills a baby. Maybe it kills a pregnant woman. You literally can’t even think about legal abortions at all if snakes are killing all the moms.”
“Speaking of parenthood,” Chad added, “How are you not thinking about smartphone ages already? I mean, anyone can say, ‘I allow my child to be gay’ — that’s the absolute minimum, and so last decade. I want to know — what decisions are you making about their growth? That’s parenting. We’re already thinking about parenting.”
“Not that we want to steal the spotlight,” Brody chimed in. “Not from anyone else, anyway. That’s what the ‘famous’ thing is about. Everybody is a shining star in her own world. Of course we still retweet the sad refugee pictures as much as the next hashtag activist, but that’s not enough for us anymore. We want everyone to feel radiant. Famous.”
When asked about the question, “I don’t want my partner to get fat,” they both nodded slowly. “Of course,” Chad said, “that’s the most important one of all. This is a marriage pact, see? It’s about showing the importance of commitment, and part of that commitment is committing to staying being whatever it is you committed to being at the beginning of the commitment. That’s honor. That’s maturity.”
Way to go, boys.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Nestor Walters at waltersx ‘at’ stanford.edu.