In her PHYSICS 41E course, an introduction for students who didn’t have exposure to the concepts in high school, Provost Persis Drell has opted to teach the fundamentals of gravity by pushing students off of Hoover Tower. 

“Well, according to their incorrect calculations, the fall was completely safe. As an educator, it would have been irresponsible to let them leave with that misinformation,” Drell said. “I stand by what I did. I was motivated purely by my passion for teaching, and not at all by a morbid curiosity, or long suppressed rage. And they’re all fine, so what does it matter?”

“At first, I thought we were just going on a field trip, for some reason,” said Henry Unger, one of Drell’s victims. “But once we were up there I knew. She just had this look in her eyes. I tried to fight back, but she’s really strong. Way stronger than you’d think.” 

Drell will continue to teach the course next year, due to it having 100% positive Carta reviews, which may or may not be attributable to her intimidating silhouette like that of a bird of prey.

“To be fair, it was on the syllabus. Plus I get it now. Like, I really get it,” Unger admitted. He will not be pressing charges.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Lana Tleimat at ltleimat ‘at’ stanford.edu.