Dow Jones plummets: ‘Somebody’ misplaced all the stocks

Humor by Lana Tleimat
March 4, 2020, 8:35 p.m.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average tanked, suffering its worst week since the 2008 recession. Originally thought to be caused by uncertainty surrounding the novel coronavirus, The Stock Company announced that the crash can actually be traced back to a workplace incident in which a certain employee, who remains anonymous, misplaced every single stock.

Somebody lost all the stocks,” explained Associate Director of Stocks and Stock Locations Meaning Where the Stocks are Kept (SSLMWSK) Carol Shingles, eyeing Kenneth Jeffries, vice associate director of SSLMWSK, with contempt. “They were right here, 15 minutes ago, and now they’re gone. Where do you think they went, Ken?”

Jeffries has declined to comment.

Dow Jones himself, founder and CEO of The Stock Company, held a press conference yesterday to address the crisis.

“We’re trying to manage this internally,” announced Jones. “It definitely wasn’t my fault. I don’t want to name names. But I will say that Ken Jeffries, the short one in the back visibly sweating through a yellow button-up, yes, where I’m pointing, might just know a little bit about who lost all the stocks.” 

Employees of the office of SSLMWSK have been tasked with finding the stocks by tearing apart couches, dumping out trash cans and standing up to see if they were sitting on them. One employee confirmed that there were no stocks in the employee kitchen refrigerator. 

Shingles shared concerns over the future of The Market following the unnamed culprit’s mistake. Without any stocks, The Market can’t be a market, because stocks are what The Market is made of. The Stock Company hopes to have its stocks back and have The Market running again by the end of the month; otherwise, stocks will have to be canceled.

“What is The Market gonna do? Not have any stocks? Because that’s where we’re headed. God, that man is an imbecile,” Shingles added.

Jeffries was last seen crying in the last stall on the third-floor men’s bathroom. 

While the consequences of a The Market crash seem devastating, Jones assured employees that the crisis is nothing to be concerned about, given that “worst comes to worst, the government can just bail [them] out or something.”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Lana Tleimat at ltleimat ‘at’

Lana Tleimat '23 (... maybe '24) is the Vol. 260 executive editor for digital. She was formerly managing editor of humor. She is from Columbus, Ohio, and isn't really studying anything. Contact her at ltleimat 'at'

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