After receiving complaints of users having trouble connecting to one of the many Stanford Wi-Fi networks on campus, University IT has announced that the campus is officially “out of W-Fi” for the foreseeable future.

“Our tanks are dry,” explained Director of Networks James Payne. “There’s no more Wi-Fi for miles. Eduroam, Stanford Visitor, Stanford Secure—all empty. We’re in a state of public emergency.”

The entire nation has seen a shortage of Wi-Fi since the Bay Area AT&T pipeline burst in November, pumping millions of gallons of unprocessed, low fidelity internet into the ocean. The pipeline supplied crude internet to refineries that produced 87% of the nation’s Wi-Fi. As reserves nationwide run out, the University is left scrambling to replace its supply.

“You’d think living in such an internet-rich area would make it easier, but no. We’re paying exorbitant prices to outbid other, less significant institutions such as the U.S. Postal Service, or the nation of Bulgaria,” Payne added.

Environmental scientists are worried about the impact the loose internet will have on the local ecosystem.

“The fish have already started to view pornography and learn how to play acoustic guitar,” explained marine biologist Harriet Fishmonger. “Before you know it they’ll be running slime blogs and addicted to online poker. And don’t even get me started on what Wi-Fi fumes can do to your brain.” 

In the meantime, if steeping your devices in the now internet-contaminated bay waters doesn’t work, University IT recommends you communicate urgent messages by shouting them really loudly.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Lana Tleimat at ltleimat ‘at’ stanford.edu.