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Latest Health Alerts email: ‘Everyone you love is going to die one day’

Satire by

The most recent in a series of informative but upsetting emails from the Stanford administration announced that one day, everyone you love is going to die. 

“They will all die, and so will you,” the email reads. “Your dog, too, he’s going to die. And on the topic of pets, they don’t love you back. They only act like they do because you feed them. I’m very sorry to be giving you all this announcement.”

“I mean, I know it’s all true, but do they have to say it?” asked an anonymous student over a Zoom private message during an econ lecture, because that’s how we communicate now. “I’m not sure I want to be informed anymore. I’d rather just allow my unstimulated brain to turn into jelly.”

“In addition, you’ll never really get the movie ‘2001: A Space Odyssey,’” the email continues. “It’s far too late to stop global warming. You aren’t going to eat the celery in your fridge, it will just go bad and you will never learn how to skateboard.”

This announcement followed numerous others from President Marc Tessier-Lavigne and Vice Provost for Student Affairs Susie Brubaker-Cole sharing important information regarding the University’s response to the coronavirus epidemic and other reminders of the impermanence and futility of human life.

“Nothing matters, and we’re all going to die,” the email concludes. “We share your disappointment at this new development and recognize the negative impact this all will have on our community.”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Lana Tleimat at ltleimat ‘at’

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Lana Tleimat '23 is Volume 257 Desk Editor of Satire. She is from Columbus, Ohio and not really studying anything. Contact her at ltleimat 'at'