Satire by Lana Tleimat
Despite showing no public signs of life all week, Joe Biden is polling higher than ever, due in part to the friendly puppet named Hammy the Chef that has been chosen to represent him for the foreseeable future. Biden’s campaign released a well-received video featuring Hammy the Chef yesterday with the assurance from the Biden campaign that “Joe Biden is not dead and his death is not the reason for Hammy the Chef.”
“Let me assure you, Joe Biden is definitely not lying dead in the hospice ward after a short and ultimately futile struggle to maintain his already-tenuous connection to the realm of the living at Delaware’s Wilmington Hospital,” announced a spokesperson for the Biden campaign. “Joe is fine. He is simply practicing social distancing in an attempt to avoid contracting COVID-19, which he has never contracted, and is neither dead nor dying from.”
Political pundits and analysts overwhelmingly agree that Biden’s recent steep rise in the polls is due to the popularity of Hammy the Chef and Biden’s not being there. Voters see Hammy as more electable and less racist-in-the-old-man-kind-of-way as Biden.
“Now that Biden isn’t Biden anymore, I feel comfortable supporting him,” admitted one voter. “Hammy the Chef is the desirable moderate candidate Biden would be if he weren’t so clearly suffering from dementia.”
“Look at his little mustache!” said another voter. “That’s the mustache of a man — or puppet — fit to lead our nation. I was on the fence before, but now I’m sure who I want in the Oval Office.”
Senator Bernie Sanders expressed frustration at Biden’s surge in popularity. “You’re telling me all I had to do was replace myself with a puppet?” Sanders said. It is worth noting that some analysts have credited the senator’s success thus far to his already quite puppet-like appearance caused by his wispy hair and erratic arm movements.
A spokesperson from Biden’s campaign insisted that the decision to replace the candidate with a puppet was an informed decision made after months of planning and deliberation, not a knee-jerk reaction based on the fact that Biden could not deliver speeches if he were a corpse.
“This was planned. We already knew people would like it. That’s why we did it and for no other reason,” explained the spokesperson. “We would have chosen Hammy the Chef as a representative whether or not Biden was alive. But he is alive, and nothing is wrong with him.”
In the video, Hammy the Chef attacked the Trump administration for their response to the coronavirus pandemic and outlined Biden’s plans for economic recovery while capturing the hearts of millions with his silly voice and tiny, fuzzy hands.
“Together, America, we can overcome. And remember, Biden is alive and well!” Hammy the Chef closed the video.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Lana Tleimat at ltleimat ‘at’ stanford.edu.