On Easter Sunday, the Santa Clara Police Department fined a man named Jesus H. Christ, who allegedly left his cave without authorization amid the stay-at-home order after a miraculous resurrection. Police stated that “he wasn’t going out for essential needs, and was insisting on blessing people while holding their hands in his.” 

“I was going to visit my father and planned to stay with him indefinitely,” Jesus said when asked for comment. “I have self-quarantined for three days, and I feel perfectly fine to visit him.”

Police said they tried to explain that the proper duration for a self-quarantine was 14 days, but they found Jesus to be persistent. The police did not arrest the man and eventually let him continue on to visit his father. 

Although Jesus was not charged, he was given a heavy fine for his disobedience. Jesus said he was “annoyed with the fine, but would immediately forgive the men as they know not what they do.”

Jesus Christ now resides at his father’s residence and plans to stay there for at least the remainder of the stay-at-home order. He assured police that he would no longer make public appearances and would refrain from reaching out to touch others.

“We did the right thing by fining the man, and we hope that Jesus serves as an example for others in the community,” police said in a statement.  

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Jenna Ruzekowicz at jruzekow ‘at’ stanford.edu.