Early Saturday morning, trusted political news source TMZ reported the death of Kim Jong-un, supreme leader of North Korea. The report began by stating, “we have no proof, but since we haven’t had any uncalled-for nuclear attack threats, we figured he’s dead.” Sources from campus, however, say otherwise. 

The three lone international students left at Stanford reached out to let campus police know they saw a suspicious man wander into Green Library late last night. He was seen wearing all black with a fantastic fade as his military forces opened the western entrance. 

“It was scary to see armed men breaking into buildings on campus, but then again this is America, so we just told the cop on the bike and went back to our dorm,” said one of the international students.

The police claimed they have been overwhelmed by the number of traffic accidents recently and have not yet had time to look into the situation. 

A campus nightshift officer, annoyed with the students’ inquiries, told them, “the appearance of the Supreme Leader on campus is the least of my worries right now.” 

Since the appearance of a possible dictator, military forces have left, but no sign of Kim Jong-un coming out has been seen. A distant crying noise can also be heard throughout campus, making some believe that he is trapped in the West Stacks. Activist groups are feverishly planning rescue operations while studying maps of the West Stacks, which haven’t been explored in over 10 years. 

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Jenna Ruzekowicz at jruzekow ‘at’ stanford.edu.