Satire by Tenzin Kartsang
While mainstream American media has focused on the continual onslaught of President Donald Trump’s tweets during the COVD-19 pandemic and his administration’s response to it, the closure of a small but beloved eatery on Stanford’s campus seems to be infuriating the president. On Sunday, Trump tweeted a surprising demand to “LIBERATE TAP,” reflecting a similar sentiment by the president regarding Michigan’s stay-at-home order.
This tweet has stirred many opinions of Stanford undergraduates still on campus, as students are practicing social distancing for the quarter. As popular areas to study at like Cecil Green Library and Tressider Union no longer allow students to congregate, some fiery sentiment arose after The Axe and Palm, otherwise known as TAP, closed its doors to students too.
“I don’t see why this had to happen,” said computer science major Yuuya Trang ’20. “Stanford can take away my last quarter, it can take away my graduation, but Jesus Christ why does it need to close TAP?”
Stanford President Marc Tessier-Lavigne and Provost Persis Drell have continued to promote social distancing on campus for the safety of students. However, some have simply had enough.
Inspired by Trump’s tweet, political science major Russell Jameson ’21 organized a “Liberate TAP” protest with the 6 other students who cared enough to stop working on CS 106B assignments and step outside their dorm rooms.
Pulling out his pocket Constitution, Jameson asked Daily reporters, “Where in the Constitution does it say that we can’t enjoy our burgers and boba?” He later went on to accuse Stanford administrators of imposing “tyranny” over the individual choices of students on campus. Tessier-Lavigne laughed when Daily reporters asked him to respond to that accusation
The protest started approximately around 5 p.m.; protesting included chanting and holding signs, one of which declared “Give Me The Impossible Burger Or Give Me Death!” Stanford police officers came shortly afterward, alerting the students to disperse immediately or else face fines for violating Santa Clara County’s orders for people to shelter in place.
After a dramatic faceoff with the officers, the protesters eventually dispersed after realizing they could just UberEats McDonald’s from their dorm rooms.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Tenzin C. Kartsang at tenzink ‘at’ stanford.edu.