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Nation devastated by global shortage of hot singles in your area

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The hundreds of millions worldwide stuck at home in observance of shelter-in-place orders have contributed to a recent surge in online video streaming traffic, causing a global shortage of hot singles in your area as supply fails to meet demand.

Before the quarantine, these hordes of omnipresent and often identical women sorted by ethnicity, age and filial relationship could sit extremely still in a single ad frame for everyone in their area. But with the explosion in the number of online patrons, hot singles are forced to hop between up to 15 ad frames in your areas at once, leaving many empty for hours on end.

“Well, since I lost my job, I’ve spent eight hours a day on 123teevee.kg,” explained professional surface-licker John Franklin, who was laid off after being deemed non-essential. “My heart goes out to the poor hot singles in my area, as it has been defined by the zip code associated with my computer’s IP address.

Millions of Americans are being forced to go weeks without pictures of anonymous women indiscriminately propositioning them for online sexual encounters.

“I hadn’t had too much trouble coping with the quarantine and my subsequent unemployment until last week when I opened filmflix.ru and saw the empty ads where all the hot singles should have been,” said former handshake consultant Hank White. “I totally broke down. That’s when the severity of the pandemic set in for me. What is my area going to do without hot singles in it? Who am I going to chat with right now?”

One such hot single, Desiree Realgirl, shared the stress she’s experienced trying to rise to the occasion in these dark times.

“Hey, I live in your area, too! Desiree is typing…” said a clearly devastated Realgirl over instant message. “Wanna hang out? ;)”

The federal government has so far failed to supply sufficient aid to states in desperate need of hot singles in your area, and moving forward, governors are expected to deal with the crisis on their own.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Lana Tleimat at ltleimat ‘at’ stanford.edu.

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Lana Tleimat '23 is Volume 257 Desk Editor of Satire. She is from Columbus, Ohio and not really studying anything. Contact her at ltleimat 'at' stanford.edu.