Satire by Prateek Joshi
Expressing concern about how prepared the class of 2020 is for the real world, U.S. Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos announced that the overwhelming majority of high school graduates lack the skills to properly execute a pyramid scheme. In a videoconference with educators nationwide, DeVos urged schools to better prepare their students for the post-coronavirus economy by teaching them the fundamentals of predatory multi-level marketing shams and labor exploitation.
“We cannot allow the transition to an online learning environment push our kids further behind on grasping the core concepts like algebra or a business model that relies on non-salaried workers to sell products and aggressively recruit others to sell these same products in a statistically unsustainable manner,” said DeVos, who reflected on how her own billionaire family’s fortune from Amway Corp was accrued during a bygone era in which rigorous schooling stressed the importance of requiring most salespeople to lose money in order for a small fraction at the top to accumulate obscene wealth.
DeVos also referenced a study conducted by the Department of Education on this matter, which stated that even the top students are woefully incapable of dealing with hardships such as an unsupportive boss or a $56 million settlement in a class action lawsuit alleging fraud, racketeering and illegal pyramid scheme operations.
“Look, it’s one thing to learn how to set up a company such as Amway in a safe classroom environment,” explained DeVos, who plans to roll out new federal remote-instruction guidelines within the next week. “It’s a much different thing, however, to know how to do that in the real world and successfully avoid any jail time or serious damage to your net worth.”
“And don’t even get me started on the fragile college graduates in their ‘safe spaces’ these days,” she added. “How do you think you’re going to find a job if you can’t even bounce back from a Federal Trade Commission investigation that found your company guilty of price-fixing and exaggerated income claims? Give me a break.”
DeVos concluded the virtual meeting by stressing that this pandemic is only exposing what’s already broken in our education system.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Prateek Joshi at pjoshi2 ‘at’ stanford.edu.