Nothing happened today, everything is fine

Satire by

Millions of Americans were relieved to find out that today, unlike every single other day for the past three months, nothing awful has happened and it’s going to be okay.

“I was expecting to turn on the TV and find out that another nursing home was infected or that Trump had Dr. Fauci shot,” said Amanda Durns, a preschool teacher who, before today, wasn’t sure how much longer she could take it. “I’m so grateful there are no more new things to worry about. For one day.”

Instead of an outbreak in a prison or massive corporate layoffs, there is nothing bad to report on today. Nobody fell ill or died, and for one day, no one group was disproportionately affected by the pandemic. Additionally, no new horrifying demon pests have invaded the country.

“Every morning, I open up my computer to countless tragedies being reported on every major news network,” explained currently unemployed maintenance worker James Reddy. “I can’t help but enter a catatonic state, lying in a fetal position in the center of my living room floor, gently rocking from side to side. It’s good to know that for one day the overwhelming anxiety can subside long enough for me to call my grandmother or order a pizza.”

Though things are likely to return to unbearable normal tomorrow, we encourage our readers to enjoy this one good day on which society doesn’t collapse any further than it already has. And remember that while things aren’t any better, at least they haven’t gotten worse.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Lana Tleimat at ltleimat ‘at’ stanford.edu.

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Lana Tleimat '23 is Volume 258's Editor of Satire. She is from Columbus, Ohio, and isn't really studying anything. Contact her at ltleimat 'at' stanford.edu.