In an event that brought about much-needed clarity from the federal government, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife service held a press conference this morning to once and for all distinguish between the two: fish and wildlife.

“We understand this seemingly arbitrary categorization has been sowing confusion and causing tremendous nationwide stress for years now,” said Director Aurelia Skipwith, who unequivocally stated that fish were in fact separate from wildlife, and not just one subset of wildlife as scientists previously thought. “Wildlife encompasses all the creatures living outside, including bears, bees, pangolins, birds, ants, giraffes, sloths and Peruvian giant yellow-leg centipedes. But not fish. We have to study these slippery swimmers separately.”

Satisfied with this explanation, a newly enlightened American public let out a huge collective sigh of relief.    

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only. 

Contact Prateek Joshi at pjoshi2 ‘at’ stanford.edu.