- “If I can sit at my desk and send pointless emails to the whole student body while panicking about our endowment, you can finish your p-set, even if your power goes out and you have no internet!”
- “Get out of my office.”
- “The Hoover Institute is doing a fundraiser to help keep up our endowment.”
- “Elon Musk will be visiting as soon as quarantine is over!”
- “Soon we will all be back, enjoying Stanford Dining’s deliciously imperfect vegetables.”
- “I know you miss the sweet sounds of construction during the day and garbage collection at dawn, but soon it will flood your ears once more.”
- “Stop complaining. I was a white man growing up in the 70s. I have had it hard too!”
- “I wrote my thesis on, “Processing of signals and noise in the outer retina of the salamander,” so I think I am more than qualified to determine when it’s okay to be back on campus.”
- “Susie and I are thinking about you every single day, but not in a weird way.”
- “No matter what, everyone will be back in the stadium to watch us lose the Big Game again.”
- “Stop day drinking and do your work.”
- “No, I don’t know what the plan is for fall quarter, but yes I will keep sending you emails to let you know that I know nothing!”
- “We don’t have money to give anyone next year. Get over it.”
- “You guys can always TikTok me funny pictures!”
- “We’re doing everything we can to help any student in need, except for all the students who have blatantly told us they are in need.”
- “I haven’t worn pants in three weeks either!”
- “STAY INSIDE DAMMIT.”
- “No, we haven’t made FroSoCo nicer since you left.”
- “Yes, I am worried I’ll lose my beer pong skills.”
- “My wife and kids have loved spending time with me, I think.”
- “There’s something about the lack of teenagers on campus that is really comforting. We are thinking of keeping it this way!”
- “Taking a pay cut has been really hard on me. I had to sell one of my boats.”
- “I got bored, so we decided to make a stronger core curriculum for the incoming frosh. Anything to make their lives harder, ya know?”
- “When in doubt, I can always just get a job at Yale.”
- “I miss TAP too :(“
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Jenna Ruzekowicz at jruzekow ‘at’ stanford.edu.