This year’s historically diverse array of Democratic candidates — and the three old white Republican men who inexplicably thought they’d get nominated over the incumbent president — have all dropped out to leave Joe Biden and Donald Trump as their parties’ presumptive nominees. As millions of Democrats and Republicans alike feel disillusioned by their candidates, Independents and those representing third parties are cropping up with promises they are in no way capable of fulfilling. Here are a few.

A smaller Joe Biden

As the Smaller Democratic Party candidate, a smaller Joe Biden supports all the same policies as a standard-issue Joe Biden, but with a slightly different perspective. If you missed him at the last debate, it’s because his team forgot to bring a step stool.

Coronavirus

Nominated by nobody (or a lab in Wuhan, if you’re one of those people), coronavirus has had an exponentially successful grassroots campaign despite announcing no policies or formal platform. And it’s got great name recognition.

Phil Collins (not that one)

Phil Collins, a man who is notably not the singer-songwriter responsible for “In The Air Tonight,” is a real person. He represents the Prohibition Party, which apparently still exists. Let me repeat, this one is real. Go check that out.

That bucket of tools your dad has but hasn’t touched in at least four years

Why are there two hammers in a plastic bag? Where did all these loose batteries come from? What could they possibly be for? As a responsible voter, you’re probably asking yourself these same questions. This old bucket of tools running as an independent wants to assure you that, whatever it is, they can probably fix it without calling a mechanic or plumber, so put the phone away, Julia.

A fitted sheet

This loose pile of fabric, running for the Big Cotton Lobby party, promises not to fold under any amount of pressure. Have you ever tried to fold a fitted sheet? Impossible.

Michelle Obama

Haha! Just kidding! You wish.

Veiled mystic

This veiled mystic has spent the last four years serving in the House as representative for the restless souls of the bog from which they emerged. At the last debate, the veiled mystic’s first appearance on television since announcing their candidacy, they spent the entire time just breathing heavily into the microphone without showing their face. Definitely a candidate to watch out for.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Oh. Well, that makes sense. Given everything. As candidates for the Divine End Times party, the Four Horsemen are galloping on the platform that it’s all over, all of it, and the wicked will suffer for their sins. 

So, it’s Joe Biden, Donald Trump or one of these guys. American voters are facing a decision that has the potential to fundamentally change the way we govern ourselves. Let’s make it one we won’t regret.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Lana Tleimat at ltleimat ‘at’ stanford.edu.