Satire by Elizabeth "Betsy" Kim
Following California’s rejection of Elon Musk and Grimes’ name for their baby, The Occasionally sat down with the frustrated parents for an exclusive insider view of their household.
“WhO cares? X Æ A-12 aLreAdy ExiSts In tHe tHiRd dImenSioN. hE soArS abOvE aNy hUmdRuM soCiEtaL hIndRance!” Grimes fumed, her voice booming throughout Elon’s cavernous foyer. She flung her iPhone 100 at the wall, where it was promptly swallowed and transported to another universe. When her rantings reached Elon on the other side of his palace many echoes later, he wearily agreed.
Grimes sighed, and then stopped mid-beep. What was that sound? She searched frantically for the baby monitor, and then recruited her 10 male alien serfs to help her do so. By the time she got to X A R2D2 3.141592’s pod, Elon™ was already there, feebly shaking a miniature Tesla Lite in the baby’s face in an attempt to soothe his extraterrestrial spirits.
“He wants me!” Grimes shrieked, sweeping .- .-.. .. . -. from Elon’s arms and immediately handing him off to a male alien serf.
“Of course, honey,” Elon muttered as he mounted his Tesla and prepared for the long journey back to his office.
“Let the woman take care of the child, whatever his name is,” he mused, the sound of the baby’s Musky © cries already fading from his consciousness. Silicon Valley — nay, the world — needed him, and he had no zeptosecond to waste: There were too many county orders to be disobeyed, hyperloops to not be built, small Thai boys to not be saved, ventilators to not be made.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Elizabeth “Betsy” Kim at ebkim ‘at’ stanford.edu.