Satire by Lana Tleimat
After numerous unsubstantiated claims that eating nickels was a promising new treatment for coronavirus, President Donald Trump announced during a press conference yesterday that he has already been eating nickels for weeks as a preventative measure.
“Yes, I’m eating nickels. Twenty-five a day,” Trump said while leading epidemiologist Dr. Anthony Fauci covered his face with his hands in the background. “I’ve been doing it for weeks. It’s what the frontline workers are all doing. The doctors, the — the nurses. They’re all eating them. It’s cheap, it’s effective. I’ve heard a lot of good things about eating nickels.”
Trump has continued to make these claims after multiple studies conducted in New York hospitals found that eating nickels not only was ineffective at treating coronavirus, but filled extremely ill patients’ bodies with nickels. The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has now issued warnings against the practice, saying that its associated risks included but were not limited to “gastrointestinal distress caused by intestines full of nickels, drowning after being too weighed down by nickels and nickel poisoning.”
“Please don’t eat nickels,” said FDA spokesperson Michael Wo. “Just see a doctor. I don’t know why I have to say this.”
In a following question-and-answer session, press secretary Kayleigh McEnany said “the American people should be celebrating the administration’s brave stand against Big Science.” McEnany refused to take any questions, choosing instead to provide both questions and answers, in the name of free speech.
At the end of the press conference Trump could be heard jangling as he left the stage.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Lana Tleimat at ltleimat ‘at’ stanford.edu.