Satire by Tanya Watarastaporn
In a monumental moment in Stanford history, the Associated Students of Stanford University (ASSU) Elections Commission announced on Friday that all 94 annual grant applications were approved. However, Stanford Daily staffers have discovered this was a blatant lie, as members of the Stanford Equestrian Team came forward to report their application for new whips and harnesses has in fact been denied. Upon further investigation, Daily reporters have been even more shocked to find that the ASSU Elections Commision approved the same exact request for a rival Voluntary Student Organization (VSO): Kardinal Kink.
Members of the Stanford Equestrian Team have expressed dismay for the Elections Commission’s decision and cover-up.
“This was all rigged, Kardinal Kink clearly has deep connections to ASSU. Why else was it even approved as a student group in the first place?” said Amanda Mount ’22. “I’m just angry ASSU decided to fund Kardinal Kink’s version of ‘horse-play’ and not ours.”
“We understand that the Equestrian Team is concerned with their status as a team sport since being denied necessary equipment. But, to be fair, some activities in our organization are pretty much a team effort too,” said Kardinal Kink President Ima Reiley Cumming ’21. “They can complain all they want. At the end of the day, we’ll be the ones riding into the sunset.”
The ASSU Elections Commission has since apologized for the error in its announcement and opened up regarding its reasons for the decision.
“Since its establishment in 2014, Kardinal Kink has been an important VSO in celebrating sex positivity. People you wouldn’t expect to be ‘kinky’ are now no longer afraid to come out of the dungeon,” reported Elections Commissioner Unchristian Gladiator ’21, who came to our interview sporting a new leather harness.
Another member of the Elections Commission weighed in, arguing that the decision was fair.
“To be frank, we had hoped that the Stanford Equestrian Team would have been instrumental in popularizing BDSM, but we see now this is not the case and they clearly only care about actually winning horse-riding competitions,” said Christian Grey ’22. “We deem this a selfish goal compared to that of Kardinal Kink. Out of everyone’s best interests, we decided to pull the butt plug on the Equestrian Team.”
The ASSU Elections Commission has declined to comment on rumors that due to increased Kardinal Kink membership, the Stanford Red Barn will be repurposed into a BDSM dungeon to facilitate future meetings.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Tanya Watarastaporn at tanyawat ‘at’ stanford.edu.