In a new and very timely report, researchers from Stanford Med have concluded that “being and staying single” helps one live a “longer and healthier life.” This was stated among a list of other things that one can do to live a more healthy life during the time of COVID and beyond. 

Stanford researchers decided to release their studying early in a time where people really have nothing else to worry about. Some of the other notable mentions of things that could prolong one’s life were: adhering to CDC guidelines, not getting hit by a Marguerite shuttle, and avoiding ingesting chemicals as advised by the United States President. 

Stanford researchers have spent a large amount of time analyzing scenarios in which people die from relationships. They’ve concluded that being in a relationship makes one more prone to leaving the house, leading to a varying amount of accidental deaths. Additionally, they’ve proven that co-existing with another human being for long amounts of time can lead to premature heart attacks. 

Altogether the research team from Stanford Med concludes that if one wishes to live a long and healthy life, they should resist the urge to settle down, get married and try their hand at love. 

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Jenna Ruzekowicz at jruzekow ‘at’ stanford.edu.