Satire by Ruslan AlJabari
In the dawn of crowdsourcing ideas for any problems that face Stanford’s administration, and in an attempt to not charge students that have nowhere else to go during the summer $6,000, Provost Persis Drell personally reached out to us for a consultation of the top six summer housing alternatives. So, and without further ado, The Stanford Occasionally is proud to present six totally non-satirical options that you should share with your friends who might need it:
1. A shed
“Not only do you get to be in a shed, but you also get to experience history through an important architecture. How’s that for satisfying your intellectual vitality, huh?!”
An iconic, typically wooden, roofed space that’s considered by many as the staple of 19th-century life. Also featured in the beloved Shrek saga.
2. Marc Tessier-Lavigne’s basement
“Something about MTL being your daddy or something.”
(We were denied access to the premise because of trespassing laws so just picture a basement with MTL in it. It shouldn’t be too hard.)
With this very appealing option, you get to live in daddy MTL’s very own basement. Try on his socks, eavesdrop on the very important plans on how to allocate enough University money to spend on his brand new Renaissance magic school. Oh, and get a roof over your head or whatever.
3. The outside (man and bike included) — “all-natural”
Ah, yes. Nature’s finest: the outdoors. What a sight to be seen. Just like the good ol’ days when we used to — you know — go outside.
4. Tent school
If we’re using tents for classes, why not just live in them?! Say goodbye to those tedious property taxes and enjoy a lifetime of portable housing.
5. Steam tunnels
Other than being the sole reason that this WordPress blog exists and to deliver heat to heating plants, steam tunnels serve as the secret, totally super duper cool and not archaic, campus life that is — get this — underground! With all this limitless potential, who knows what you might find after you wake up from a nap.
And last but not least:
6. A server (server racks not included)
It doesn’t take a CS degree to know when something is cozy. Just imagine living next to all these cool flashy lights and fiber optic cables. Not only that but your neighbors are terabyte folders that are conveniently named HW.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Ruslan AlJabari at rjabari ‘at’ stanford.edu.