Satire by Tanya Watarastaporn
In response to the worldwide protests fueled by outrage over tragic cases of social injustice, influential agencies and groups have risen up in a strong call to action denouncing white supremacy. At the forefront of them all rises the true pillar of American democracy and justice: Ben & Jerry’s.
“Our company has never been one to shy away from the political battlefield. Ice cream is not ‘just ice’, it is JUSTICE … and cream,” remarked Ben Cohen, co-founder of Ben & Jerry’s. “Our ice creams are sweet, but the love for fighting oppression tastes even sweeter; it’s our secret ingredient!”
“Ben and I have been reading up on Freud and the idea of the subconscious recently, and we realized over the years that the fastest way to dismantle the heart of white supremacy is through the stomach,” added Jerry Greenfield, co-founder of Ben & Jerry’s. “Justice is a dish best served cold.”
Inspired to enact change, the founders have been dedicated to doing their part in social justice movements by developing a new line of politically charged ice cream flavors to encourage activism.
- Fudge 12
This flavor speaks for itself.
- White Macadamia Nut Privilege
Don’t worry, your taste buds haven’t gone bad! We purposely made this ice cream bland and tasteless, like certain people who inspired this flavor <3
Note: some people with allergies to wanting equality may find this uncomfortable and/or hard to swallow
- Orange Impeachment
Safety hazard: we are not responsible for some people being tempted to inject disinfectant in themselves after eating this specific flavor.
- Apple Pie Anarchy
The day that the prez will tweet, “Let them eat pie,” we will, with ice cream on top.
- Strawberry Supremacy Sorbet
A flavor to leave a sour taste in your mouth! We don’t recommend eating this with Orange Impeachment or White Macadamia Nut Privilege for … bad flavor combo reasons.
If you would like to suggest any new flavors for Ben & Jerry’s, text FUDGE at (328) 843-7424 or EAT THE RICH.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Tanya Watarastaporn at tanyawat ‘at’ stanford.edu.