Satire by Prithi Srinivasan
Since we’ve all been stuck in our homes for the past few months, we’ve become very well acquainted with our snack drawers and refrigerators. Popping in for a quick handful of chips after class has become a routine for me. But now, as the weeks drag on, I find myself looking for something a little healthier to brighten up my snacking habits. Without further ado, here are my top 10 favorite vegan snacks!
10. Apples and Peanut Butter
A perfect combination of sweet and salty, apples and peanut butter are the perfect snack to tide you over between classes or meetings. The apples are crisp and refreshing, and the peanut butter makes the snack wholesome and filling!
9. Seven and a Half Raw Pistachios
Seven and a half raw pistachios are crunchy (though not too crunchy), shriveled little tree nuts that never fail to bring some excitement to a snack plate. To prepare, simply place seven whole pistachios and one half-pistachio onto a plate. Don’t know what to do with the other half-pistachio? Give it to a friend along with seven whole pistachios so they can enjoy this tasty nibble with you. Friends who snack together stay together!
8. Eight Raw Pistachios
Maybe you’re looking for something a little more filling. Maybe you want to be a little naughty in your snacking. Eight raw pistachios are the perfect snack for you. The extra half-pistachio really elevates the snack, gives it a little something-something you didn’t know you needed. Mm, mm delicious!
7. Fresh Lemons
Step aside, clementines. There’s a new citrus snack in town — fresh lemons. They’re juicy and painfully sour: something everyone can enjoy in a fruit. Fresh lemons are best swallowed whole, so unhinge your jaws like a python circling a helpless rat and get snacking. The sweet sensation of your taste buds crying for help as they slowly shrivel away makes it all the better!
6. Fallen Leaves
Every time I open my fridge, I see bundle after bundle of spinach, kale, chard, lettuce and the list goes on. I’m tired of eating conventional greens, and I’m sure you are too. If you want a little variety in your cruciferous crunchies, look no further than your own yard. There are plenty of leaves scattered everywhere that are yours for the taking. Personally, I prefer a handful of maple leaves and pine needles, but feel free to customize this snack however you like!
5. Watermelon Rinds
Everyone is always raving about watermelons, especially during the summer. In my eyes, there is only one thing better than a freshly cut watermelon: its rind. Just as juicy as the fruit itself, a watermelon rind is tough and disturbingly crunchy. Seriously, it shouldn’t be that crunchy. If you’re lucky, you may even have a little fruit still clinging, by no choice of its own, to the bleak rinds. They make the perfect snack for a day when you just want to cool down and relax!
4. Kale Chips
When I find myself craving the satisfying crunch of potato chips, I always reach for a handful of kale chips instead. Don’t let the green color put you off! They’re crispy and salty, and packed with nutrients as well. You won’t even miss the potatoes.
3. Popsicle Sticks
Popsicle sticks are the perfect snack food to absentmindedly munch on as you get work done. I can chew a single popsicle stick for hours without ever running out. The splinters in the wood provide a unique texture and flavor that really make this tasty tidbit something special. What are you waiting for? Embrace your inner billy goat and get chewing!
2. Chilled Glass of Milk
Before you ask, yes, I am referring to the milk that comes from cows. When almond and oat-based milk substitutes no longer pack the same milky flavor you crave, try a chilled glass of cow juice, the perfect departure from the bore of an all-vegan diet. The thrilling discomfort of lactose in your system is one you won’t find anywhere else. If you want to get acquainted with your bathroom in a way you’ve never been before, a chilled glass of milk is perfect for you.
1. Live Cow
Finally, my favorite snack is a live cow. This tasty bovine morsel makes the perfect cheat day bite — simply reach over and grab a fistful of fresh red meat. Much like a glass of chilled milk, a live cow really helps to break up the monotony of leaves, sticks and leaves again day after day. Now, I know some of you may be concerned that eating a live cow goes against your values, but as vegans, we are supposed to love and care for the animals of this world. What better way to show our love for animals than to eat one? I promise — this will become a staple in your vegan snack collection.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Prithi Srinivasan at 22psrinivasan ‘at’ pinewood.edu.