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TikTok to be banned by the US after parents complain kids no longer human

Satire by

TikTok, the app that came after Vine and replaced Musical.ly, is now expected to be banned by the United States after parents filed hundreds of complaints concerning the damaging impact the app has on children. Parents were unanimously fine with TikTok until their child’s speech turned into TikTalk, and their demeanor turned electronic.

As kids become more and more addicted to the app, they have started to replicate the behavior they see in other TikTok users. One father said: “My daughter used to look me in the eye and not point with her fingers when talking. Now, she bends her head down and makes a finger gun while also pushing her lips out for no reason. I’m filing a lawsuit against the company for turning my daughter into an alien!”

Their physical appearances have also started to resemble the filters used in TikTok. 

“I’ve noticed that her look is changing too. Her entire face is just one big eye, pursed pink lips, and another big eye on the other side. Her face is always changing colors, too, like neon LED lights. It is horrendous.”

On top of the odd movements, normal literacy is rare to find in today’s youth. One mom made this appalling discovery while running errands with her daughter. “When we arrived at the store, Best Buy, she called it ‘buhyeest buy.’ Sometimes I don’t want to pretend I’m happy. My daughter could be an alien!”

“I’m starting to wonder if my children are becoming mentally ill or being hypnotized by the app. If I say ‘remember’ or ‘hola,’ they immediately recite the rest of the TikTok, in the same manner I imagine they saw in the video.”

Frightened parents have turned to technology experts to confirm the worst. Mark Zuckerberg analyzed the app and concluded that the DNA of TikTok users is starting to resemble computer code, as he said, “it takes one to know one.”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Elizabeth Wilson at elwilson ‘at’ s.sfusd.edu

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Elizabeth Wilson is a high schooler writing as part of The Daily's Summer Journalism Workshop.