Vice Provost of Reapproaching Stanford Bill Lambardo recently spoke about Stanford’s plan for the upcoming academic year.

“In these unprecedented times, it is the duty of Stanford to ensure the safety and comfort of all students on campus. To facilitate the transition into the new year, we’ve established some basic guidelines for life on campus for next year.”

All students will participate in the formal Draw, where numbers 1-1000 will be designated as the “guard cohort,” with all other students becoming the “non-guard cohort.” Regardless of draw number, all CS+Econ double majors will be automatically placed in the non-guard cohort.

These groups will live separately, with the guard cohort occupying the row and designated singles in each house, rotating on a weekly basis. During these rotations, the “guard cohort” will patrol the hallways and ensure enforcement of social distancing practices.

For the non-guard cohort, there will be significant restrictions on in-person classroom use, dorm life, social life, guests and travel. Additionally, the following regulations will be enacted:

· All foods will be pre-packaged, and members of the guard cohort will bring the food directly to the rooms of each student.

· Given how the economic downturn has affected Stanford’s now almost-bankrupted endowment, a “lights-out” system will be implemented at 10 p.m. every night to save on Stanford’s electric bill.

· Families will be allowed bi-weekly visitation periods. However, to prevent the spread of COVID-19, communication will be via phone across glass paneling.

· To decrease movement into laundry facilities, all members of the non-guard cohort will be given 2 stylish full-length rustic yam-colored rompers which will serve at clothing throughout their time at our institution.

These rules, and other public health precautions, will become a regular part of everyday student life.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Jay Maturi at jmaturi ‘at’ stanford.edu.