Satire by Jesse Perlmutter
The City of Palo Alto has transitioned from a stay-at-home order to Phase Two of reopening; however, the gradual reopening of the city has not been warmly welcomed by all.
Stanford student Lev Mealone ’22, who has no friends, launched a Change.org petition to reverse the city’s reopening on Friday.
“I have been avidly social distancing since far before the COVID-19 crisis,” Mealone boasted.
“Personally, I found quarantine such a comforting time, because it was impossible for me to have FOMO.”
The petition already has 126 signatures and 45 shares. Students have even reported a rumor about a rally in the upcoming weeks, but since no one can identify any friends of the petitioning students, The Daily cannot confirm its accuracy at this time.
Mealone said that the city’s reopening has already negatively impacted him.
“Seeing more faces out and about only reminds me of the lack of people in my life,” Mealone said.
“Oh, and what’s even worse is that now my mom is on my back again about putting myself out there. Ugh, she even made me a Bumble account.”
Mealone added that since his mom discovered Bumble, she has additionally created accounts for him on Tinder and JSwipe. Mealone admitted that the only three accounts his mom ended up matching with were other undercover moms on a quest to find love lives for their children, and the moms will be meeting for drinks later this month.
The petition has not yet received any reaction from Stanford or local government yet, but Mealone said he is remaining hopeful. A University spokesperson wrote in a statement to The Daily that the University can’t do much to help him, but hopefully the promise of a lack of social life on campus next year is reassuring.
“With the many people ignoring distancing regulations, not wearing masks and pretending the pandemic is over, I’m not really worried,” said Mealone. “I’m counting on a second wave!”
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Jesse Perlmutter at jesseperl24 ‘at’ gmail.com