Postmaster General Louis DeJoy has been fired and will be replaced by Escargot DeFast, a garden snail President Donald Trump found on the White House lawns, the press secretary announced today. DeJoy, who held office for just under a month, has been fired due to his far too efficient operation of the post office.
This change was made after Trump tweeted he was unhappy that the United States Postal Service (USPS) was not intentionally delaying citizens’ mail per his request.
“The United States is only a day behind on letter delivery,” a White House Press Release states. “That means we will have a functioning mail service on Election Day, which displeases the President.”
Trump has been seen praising DeFast for his excellent work, despite a lack of verbal or physical evidence that DeFast has done anything. An aide close to the President told the Daily they have seen similar intelligence levels from both the President and DeFast.
“We have a very smart [snail] as Postmaster General, very good at his job. Remarkable. In fact, he is actually the smartest snail, in the whole world. Someone told me he has the same IQ as me,” the President tweeted after the announcement was made.
After his appointment, DeFast released a press statement wherein he announced his plans for the post office. “Snails make the best mail deliverers — that’s why letters are called snail mail,” the statement reads. “To address the issue of mailmen being too efficient, we plan to replace all mailmen with mailsnails. If you know any snails who wish to apply for a job, they should mail in their application, and they will hear back within the next 50 years.”
Most journalists have not analyzed the message. They have been too shocked that the snail knows how to type.
According to the USPS, delivery rates now average one letter per week because snails have yet to learn to drive or carry mailbags. As a precaution, the USPS recommends that if you want to vote by mail in the 2048 election, you should request your mail-in ballot now to guarantee that you will receive it in time. For people who wish to vote by mail in elections before 2048, the deadline to get a mail-in ballot has already passed. The USPS website notes that absentee voting is unlikely to have the same delays, despite using the exact same system.
Though some critics complain that a snail cannot properly perform the duties of Postmaster General, the White House dismisses these concerns. “The President has been extremely pleased with DeFast’s job performance so far,” Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany said. “With the help of DeFast, mail is now delayed by an entire week, and soon should be delayed by a month.”
Though The Stanford Daily reached out to DeFast for comment, we did not receive a response. Our letter was returned months later with a surprising amount of snail slime covering it, but no words.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Io Gilman at ioyehgilman ‘at’ gmail.com and Rae Wymer at raewymer ‘at’ gmail.com.