Satire by Salil Pai
It was that time again: grocery run day. I woke up at 5:00 AM, despite having gone to bed at a worrisome 3:00 AM because I was playing Star Wars: Battlefront II with my friends.
The concept of time has truly dissolved during quarantine, with morning becoming night and night becoming morning. It’s rare that someone knows what day it is without checking their watch or phone.
Since I got up early, I saw Bob again. He’s still delivering the newspaper, and Beth (his wife) and Ethan (his son) are doing well. I empathize with Ethan, since neither of us get to play basketball with our friends these days.
After having coffee and reading the paper, I drove to the store. Despite having shown up a half-hour before the store opened, the parking lot was full. Thus, when the doors were opened, it was a stampede.
I made it through the madhouse, thankfully finding a six-pack of baked beans, a carton of eggs, a block of cheese, a gallon of milk and a bag of oranges — enough to last me for another two or three weeks. Through it all, I saw some stupid things: yahoos hoarding food, idiots fighting over toilet paper as if they were in the WWE and morons wearing the most cringe-worthy homemade “face masks” known to man. And I don’t mean the cloth versions of what they use in hospitals. I’m talking Slasher masks, plastic cups, even a clear pot lid sealed by a drawstring hoodie!
Thankfully, I didn’t have to fight for my groceries, even though a bunch of people that hadn’t yet entered the store were eyeing me.
After I got home it was — you guessed it — Zoom call time with my team! As usual, Marcus sported only the top half of his suit; Murray had a tropical backdrop; Sheila had a lot of background noise and lacked the ability to use the mute button; Lily had terrible reception; Marcus and Murray kept speaking simultaneously; the two yahoos also started joking around with Lily. Thankfully, Jim and Hazel, my golden boy and girl, kept me sane thanks to their level-headedness and lack of issues with Zoom.
After a quick lunch, I go for a walk in the neighborhood. While many people have gained weight over quarantine, I’ve somehow lost it. I’m not surprised, considering that I don’t use as much energy these days — all my work is done over Zoom, and I don’t get to play basketball with the boys after class anymore.
On the walk, I once again saw all all of my new friends: the elderly couple, Don and Laura; Jerry and his Oxford Terrier, Dwayne; Steve and Jenny and their Golden Retrievers, Ratchet and Jason (who love to bark at me, despite seeing me everyday); John, his son Daniel and their Pyrenean Mastiff, Banksy (“who wants to love everybody and for everybody to love him”).
As I switched to running, I noticed a common theme among the houses: the lawns look absolutely stunning! Quarantine really has driven people to extreme boredom.
After cooling off for a bit when I got home, I made some calls. First was my cousin and her boyfriend, who are doing well in their new apartment. Second was one of my oldest friends and his wife, who are hospital doctors. Third was another of my oldest friends (who is, in fact, the brother of the aforementioned friend) and his wife, the former of which is teaching at a university while the latter is working towards becoming a physician’s assistant.
After hanging up, I made some eggplant parmigiana for dinner, all while listening to some scores by the greatest musical artist of all time: John Williams (THE LEGEND!).
Scores like “Duel of the Fates,” “Imperial March,” “Raiders March” and “He’s a Pirate” really help make cooking better. And with Bill Conti’s “Gonna Fly Now” when plating the dish and pouring some ginger ale, my personal satisfaction skyrocketed.
I enjoyed my dinner while watching Mission: Impossible – Fallout. It’s interesting how this series has somehow managed to get better with each sequel. After I finished, I got a conference call request from — you guessed it, journal — the boys!
Jai, Ryan, Yash, Ben, Alex and Shriv were all up for playing video games, which we did as an alternative to playing basketball every day. We ended up playing some Galactic Assault, Strike, Capital Supremacy and Heroes vs. Villains on Battlefront II.
I shared a new mock conspiracy theory with them: that the virus was caused by Zoom, who’s been benefiting heavily from this lockdown. Just like with all of my crazy conspiracies, they burst into hysterical laughter.
After we bid each other good night, I took a hot shower and now, I’m writing to you, journal, as I’m about to fall asleep.
It’s been a crazy day. But now that I think about it… at this point, it’s normal. Just another normal day of quarantine.
Man, I hope we can knock this thing out soon!
This is Salil Pai, signing off.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
You can contact Salil Pai at paislm4 ‘at’ gmail.com