Satire by Elizabeth "Betsy" Kim
Fox News host Chris Wallace speaks with President Donald Trump about the launch of his new line of foundation.
Chris Wallace: President Trump, you have been orange for as long as many Americans can remember. Why a makeup line? Why now?
POTUS: Well, Chris, we have a crisis on our hands. All these beautiful women are walking around with masks covering their faces. It’s a shame, really.
CW: Sir, do you happen to be speaking of COVID-19?
POTUS: Well—the Chinese virus—not so much because we have it totally under control, but it’s a scary time for beautiful women in America; it really is. All these 9s and 10s are being forced to wear masks, so I said to myself, I said: why not create a line of foundation—put some on and you won’t get the virus. No mask needed.
CW: Mr. President, when would you say you got interested in makeup?
POTUS: Craig, well I’ll tell you—I used to own Miss Universe, so I have lots of connections in the business.
CW: What would you say is your favorite shade?
POTUS: You know, Cameron, it’s like you’re asking me to pick a favorite child, you know, so in fact it’s a very easy question to answer. This shade right here—blackface—will be very useful for my millions of supporters for sure…but MAGA is the most beautiful color I’ve ever seen; it makes all other shades look like fake news.
CW: Sorry, which shade is that?
POTUS: The white one.
CW: Of course. Now Mr. President, who would you say is the target audience for this makeup line?
POTUS: Callahan I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I have the smallest pores in the world… you could look at my skin with a microscope and you wouldn’t see a single pore. It’s like silk, it’s fantastic. But other people aren’t so lucky, you know. Remember, I’m not doing this for the money. I’ve got enough, much more than I’ll ever need.
CW: How does the First Lady feel about this?
POTUS: Ivanka loves it. She thinks it’s great—she told me I should send it to Melania for her birthday.
CW: It says that hydroxychloroquine and bleach are the main ingredients.
POTUS: Absolutely, Clementine, absolutely. It was tested by the best scientists in the world; the very best.
CW: I know that bringing manufacturing jobs back to the United States was one of your campaign promises—
POTUS: —That’s right. That’s right, and I’ve delivered on it. These products are manufactured here, in the United States.
CW: Well it says here Made in Chin—
POTUS: Excuse me, Cassandra, let me finish. Manufacturing in the United States is taking off at a level that it never has before. It’s spectacular, really, what we’ve done, and unlike any other country.
CW: And where does it say that?
POTUS: Just read the manuals. It’s in all the manuals.
CW: It looks like that’s all we have time for today, Mr. President, before your vacation in Mar-a-Lago. Thanks for sitting down with Fox News Sunday.
POTUS: My pleasure, Corona, my pleasure.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Betsy Kim at ebkim ‘at’ stanford.edu.