Satire by Prithi Srinivasan
Due to quarantine, vegans like myself have been finding it exceedingly difficult to adhere to the culture that comes with our lifestyle: Being stuck inside makes it nearly impossible to tell everyone that we are vegan. It tears me apart inside to think about the fact that my new neighbor Randy won’t know that I’m vegan for another few months. My friends call me every day, asking me if I am still vegan, because I haven’t mentioned it in a while. However, I have done some thinking to see whether this issue can be overcome, and I have hit upon a list of solutions. Here are eight socially-distanced ways to obnoxiously tell everyone that you are vegan.
1. Tweet about it
Posting about your vegan lifestyle on Twitter is a great way to notify a large group of people at once about your diet! Tweet something cute like “thinking about my little plant-based burger,” or if you want something a little more provocative, cite the impending doom of our planet that is rapidly hastened by the factory farming industry. Have fun with it!
2. Reach out to random people on social media
If tweeting isn’t your thing, or maybe it feels a little impersonal to you, try direct messaging random people on social media. Be careful about getting blocked, though. Do not let the animal killers silence you.
3. Paint the message on your house
If you’re an artsy person, and I’m sure many of you green crusaders are, this is perfect for you. Write a little message on your roof or lawn in luminescent paint. Some examples of phrases you can use are: “I’m vegan and you should be too,” or “Ugh, meat.” Now, if anyone happens to fly over your house or even looks up your address on Google Earth, they are sure to know about your veganism.
4. Get a tattoo
Being vegan is a huge commitment. What better way to show your devotion than to get a tattoo? Nothing is more permanent than that! Tattoo your message onto your palm. If you see something you disapprove of, e.g. a person buying meat, you can instantly let them know how you feel with a quick flash of your hand.
5. Buy a megaphone
This is great for when you are in a large public space: It gets the job done quickly and efficiently. Simply speak your phrase of choice into the megaphone for everyone to hear. I have noticed that it often garners “boos” and insults in response, but it’s nothing that we, as vegans, cannot take.
6. Hire a jet to carry your message on a banner
Hiring a jet for the singular purpose of telling everyone that you are vegan might seem a little pricey and, honestly, financially irresponsible, and let me tell you, it most certainly is. But when you look up to the heavens and see the message of a plant-based lifestyle smiling down upon you, it will feel so worth it.
7. Invest in carrier pigeons
This might seem a little counterintuitive. Aren’t vegans supposed to treat animals with kindness? Of course we are, so if you choose to follow this method, make sure that the pigeons were humanely trained. Write “I’m actually vegan” on a little slip of parchment, tie it to the bird’s leg, and let the world hear your truth. This method provides a very Disney-princess-meets-Cold-War-spy feel, if you’re into that.
8. Invent a memory-wiping device
For those of you who are more interested in science or engineering, inventing a memory-wiping device could be a great solution for you. When you’re stuck in the same house for months, your roommates and parents can get a little bored hearing about your veganism over and over again. But when you wipe their memories, they will have absolutely no idea they’ve heard the news before! You can tell them over and over again — as the earth slowly creeps towards certain environmental destruction.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Prithi Srinivasan at 22psrinivasan ‘at’ pinewood.edu.