Satire by Rachel Jiang
Although they weren’t always besties, the U.S. and China recently announced their friendship, declaring themselves lifelong penpals.
This month, proud citizens of the U.S. have received unpurchased and falsely labeled packages — or, shall we call them “gifts” — from Mainland China. Most residents have reported getting various seeds. President Trump has deemed these gifts “the greatest presents he ever received.”
Later in the week, the gift-giving continued, with items such as masks, flashlights, safety goggles and life vests. Farmer Lova Murica was overjoyed by Xi Jinping’s generosity upon receiving 15 flamethrowers delivered in a tall package to his house.
“I cannot thank my friend Xi enough for sending such a heartfelt present at such a time,” [person] said. “He is my fairy godmother. I promise I will use these flamethrowers wisely.”
To repay China’s selfless act, Trump ordered the U.S. to deliver one nuclear missile wrapped in colorful DIY wrapping paper and a Hello Kitty Bow at the doorsteps of Xi’s home. Trump said the gift was a symbol of his trust for their everlasting friendship, hoping both countries can continue to negotiate given Mutually Assured Dependence.
After receiving the gigantic missile, Xi immediately called his diplomats and told them to send his newly developed orange hydrogen bomb wrapped in pink grenades and knives. Xi stuck a purple love letter between two grenades, and waited for them diplomats to return.
Exchange after exchange, both countries have started gifting each other everything: pillows with spyware, the entire Statue of Liberty, one-fourth of the Great Wall of China — primarily used to add to Trump’s “wall” that borders Mexico and the U.S. — and mind-blowing secrets.
Of course, this month doesn’t mark the first time the U.S. has grown close penpals with a foreign sovereign. In fact, the U.S. has exchanged multiple love letters with their other close buddies — Russia, Afghanistan, Syria and more — with drone strikes, missiles and really any weapon to ensure mutual trust and peace.
“Drone strikes and bombs are just the U.S.’s way of expressing our love for other countries,” a government official who wanted to remain anonymous out of fear of receiving backlash said. “It’s sad we rarely receive anything in return. I hope that one day, they accept us for who we are.”
As countries continue to exchange penpal letters and gifts, the globe continues to transcend peace and tranquility, right as we see hundreds of missiles and drones flying in the air like messenger angels.
“We are totally besties,” the countries said in unison.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Rachel Jiang at racheljiang310 ‘at’ gmail.com.