Self-driving car absolutely going to pull over if you two don’t cut it out back there

Satire by

Unveiling the latest advancements in self-driving car technology to a group of investors on Tuesday, the CEO of Waymo announced that the company’s latest vehicle will absolutely pull over if you two don’t cut it out back there.

“Our number one priority is to keep people safe on the roads,” explained CEO John Krafkik on the conference call that detailed how the “Waymo One” automobiles are now equipped with high quality audio sensors that pick up on any mischief happening in the back seat. “So you better believe that if you don’t cut that crap out right now, this car will pull over to the side of the road without hesitation and wait there until the annoying bickering permanently ceases. Do you understand? Because our predictive machine-learning algorithms have incorporated previous patterns of your bullshit and won’t be fooled by any temporary pauses in whining or seat-kicking.”

Krafkik ended the press conference by revealing Waymo’s plans to incorporate software capabilities by the end of 2020 that can turn the entire damn car around in the event of severe misbehavior by truly irritating passengers. 

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only. 

Contact Prateek Joshi at pjoshi2 ‘at’ stanford.edu.

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Prateek, a former editor-in-chief of Brown University’s satirical newspaper (The Brown Noser), signed with the Stanford Daily’s satire section in free agency. Feel free to send him article suggestions and harsh criticism at pjoshi2 ‘at’ stanford.edu. When he’s not satirizing, he’s fervently searching for whoever had the nerve to claim the “pjoshi1” email username.