On the day of his first class, professor of European history Kyle Renner reportedly shouted at his computer, “Rise, soldiers, and let them hear your cry!” with the booming voice of a general leading his army to battle.

“Victory or martyrdom!” cried Renner as he scheduled every single class, section and office hours as its own event, instead of as calls recurring once a week. “Death is not the enemy! We charge forth as men, for those who remain behind are among women and children!”

Later that day, Renner sent his students a series of messages repeating information one could easily find on the syllabus with a vigor known only by the warrior marching to certain death for his country.

“May our nation’s thread keep Fate’s spindle spinning! May Her hands still over Her shears! May Courage lift your hearts as well as your swords!” Renner yawped, putting on blue-light glasses to avoid eye-strain and pressing send on his third class-wide Canvas announcement of the day. 

Professor Renner was last seen kneeling on the floor beside his desk, muttering about noble souls and the price of valor.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Lana Tleimat at ltleimat ‘at’ stanford.edu.