Satire by Bailey Nicolson
If you have attended any classes over Zoom, odds are at some point or another you have been forced to introduce yourself to the other people in the call. The same, monotonous questions are such a drag, aren’t they? Questions like: “Where are you from?” “What’s your major?” and “What year are you?” seem to come up like a broken record. In introducing yourself, however, you might have attempted to answer one that can be quite daunting: “Tell us an interesting fact about yourself.” While the workload of the classes is hard enough, answering this notorious question need not add to your endless assignments. Here are 15 of the best pointers and questions to get yourself thinking about how interesting you really are.
- What’s your vision like? You might go about this one by explaining to everyone what your exact prescription is! For example, mine is -3.5 in my right, but because I have astigmatism in my left, my optometrist bumped me up to -3.75! Crazy!
- What’s your favorite kind of cloud? Haha just kidding! Who knows anything about clouds!?
- If you were to commit tax fraud, how would you do it? Would you simply not file your taxes or be extra crazy and hide offshore income?! (This one’s for you, bus/econ/finance majors!)
- Who’s your favorite internet service provider? You could play this one by saying T-Mobile, but to spice things up, you could go for Verizon! Or, to really impress people, Consumer Cellular will make everyone love you instantly.
- Who’s your favorite krautrock artist? Kraftwerk is my personal favorite, but I would still respect you if you listened to NEU!
- If you could have any animal taxidermied and put in your house, what would it be? The trick to answering this one is to say anything other than a deer!
- Did you take vitamins or supplements as a kid? If so, what kind? This is a great way to connect with other people who also took vitamins, and start a vitamin community! (Vitamin B12 people hmu)
- How do you feel about marching band being a “sport?” This will really get people interested in what you have to say!
- Tell everyone your social security number! And while you’re at it, I’m sure others would love to know your credit card info as well! Great bonding experience!
- If you could go back in time and say one thing to James Buchanan, what would it be? This one’s a really good conversation starter, especially for the .00000001% that know all the U.S. presidents!
- Should Texas be its own country? How about Alaska? A great way to incorporate this one into an intro is just to say it loud and proud! Example: I’m John Doe, I’m a junior majoring in econ, and I think Texas should secede!
- How do you feel about your professor’s Zoom background? If they are pulling the classic library background, you could really dig in and say, “Your books are boring! I bet those aren’t even real!” If they’re pretending to be sitting next to the Golden Gate Bridge with that one specific preset Zoom background, make them uncomfortable and ask them how they are floating!
- What’s your deepest, darkest, most hidden, concealed, clandestine, private secret that you swore you would never tell a living soul? This is also a good time to include things you have tried to forget but just can’t!
- Did you know David Bowie’s eyes were two different colors? If so, tell everybody that you already knew that and that they should get with the times and quit living under a rock!
- How do you feel about the H.R. 4894 bill that was recently passed in Congress? Most people already know what this is, so feel free to just go for it and say, “H.R. 4894 is the literal worst! Jeez, what kind of dumbo came up with that? This is where my tax money is going!?”
Now that you’ve unearthed your personal interesting-ness, introduce yourself into oblivion!
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Bailey Nicolson at bnicol ‘at’ stanford.edu.