‘Gender reveals are still the hottest parties of the season,’ say white women dangerously oblivious to current events

Humor by Emma Parsons
Sept. 29, 2020, 11:14 p.m.

“I really don’t get why people are so fired-up about this,” said Denise Johnston, mother of two and woman who overuses fire idioms — especially for someone who refuses to watch the news. “Timmy tells me everything I need to know,” Johnston explained in a way that just made everything much more confusing.

Johnston is part of a group called the American Society of Men & Women Dedicated to the Preservation of the Gender Reveal Party that is fighting back against those who say the tradition needs to “cool off.” We recently sat down with the president of the organization, Annalise Myers. 

During our interview, and in a choice of words she seemed to regret immediately, Myers said that in the last few weeks she has really felt like she’s been “under fire.” Myers, who accidentally subscribed to USA Today thinking it was a political slogan, went on to say, “Oh my God. That’s not — I didn’t mean that. I’m so sorry. Is it too late to take this all off the record?” 

When we replied that it was, Myers immediately stepped down from her position. And later, in a statement released on her Twitter, she said she was going to take the extra time to focus on “starting a family.” (Which, given her position, we had been under the assumption she already had.) In an immediate follow-up statement, Myers then apologized for the Twitter handle she used when posting her first statement, @Myers_on_Fire, which she created several years ago.

A few days later, we caught up again with the new president of ASMWDPGRP, Ms. Denise Johnston, via an unsolicited email she sent us. Johnston said that she stands by gender reveal parties for two reasons — which were put entirely in her own words, of which we had no prior knowledge and which we do not endorse.

Johnston said, “First, these parties give people hope — a way to welcome their babies with a bang. And, second, on a personal level, I’ve put way too much of my time and energy into this to see it now all go up in flames.”

To make matters worse (a phrase that was our first choice and we deny all claims of accidentally writing “To add fuel to the fire” or “To stoke the flames” — all of which Ms. Johnston used freely), Johnston went on to recommend the two essentials for a successful party: a heavy dependence upon pyrotechnics (her exact words were “Cake is for babies. Fireworks are for fetuses”) and a total commitment to “the shape of your baby’s junk” — a phrase we would rather have not repeated.

Finally, in a series of related events, as of this morning, the American Society of Men & Women Dedicated to the Preservation of the Gender Reveal Party has been declared a terrorist organization. If you have any information on the whereabouts of Denise Johnston, described as 5’2” with chunky highlights and often seen catcalling police horses, you are encouraged to reach out to local authorities.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Emma Parsons at eparsons ‘at’ stanford.edu.

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