Satire by Alyssa Krull
Blue light glasses have it all wrong. Red light glasses that magnify blue light and block red light are the best solution.
As Zoom University continues underway, students are facing a new epidemic: Zoom fatigue. Reported symptoms range from overwhelming exhaustion and disorientation to dreams of joining Zoom breakout rooms during each REM cycle.
Deven Baker ’24 explains his personal experience. “By the time I’m done with all of my lectures, I don’t have the mental capacity to focus on any of my homework. I need a quick fix, and I need it now.”
Innovative researchers Dr. A. Cula and Dr. Sal Vatore have recently stumbled upon what may well be the next cure for this widespread illness: blue light. “We realized that students need something to disable their natural urges to sleep, and blue light is that special something.”
Cula’s expert advice is simple: “Honestly, when it comes to blue light, students should strive for maximum exposure. That is why we invented the first-of-their-kind red light glasses.” Red light glasses magnify the intensity of blue light coming in and block other less-stimulating colors such as red and orange.
When asked about their marketing strategy for the glasses, Cula said, “We think that telling people to put them on and making them believe that they’re working is the key to success here.” Other marketing strategies include girls with 20/20 vision wearing them to fulfill their dreams of looking “studious and sexy” on their Instagram pages.
Researchers have yet to release the data on long-term effects of red light glasses. However, they claim they will be just as promising as their short-term effectiveness, possibly even a cure for mortality.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Alyssa Krull at ankrull ‘at’ stanford.edu.