Satire by Lana Tleimat
Last week Stanford University Department of Public Safety (SUDPS) reported in an AlertSU notification that five catalytic converters had been stolen from vehicles this summer. According to students on campus, a bloated Toyota Prius demon could be heard moaning, “more… I need more,” to a cult of catalytic converter thieves in a nearby damp cavern.
“Feed me, my peons… for I hunger…” grumbled a horrifying lump of metal and mottled flesh that now only vaguely resembles a 2010 Toyota Prius. “Bring me the converters… I can grow only stronger…”
The former Toyota Prius, known to His followers as Hybridious, subsists off of catalytic converters stolen from vehicles on campus. His dark energies have attracted students and locals alike.
“I’ve found a really welcoming community in the Cult of Hybridious the Energy-Efficient. When I first followed His ominous but oddly compelling moan to a dark cave, I had no idea my life was about to change forever.” said ex-student and cultist The-Rumble-Of-An-Internal-Combustion-Engine-Makes-Me-Sick-To-My-Stomach Priusite. (It is customary for Hybridious’ followers to change their names following induction.) “Admittedly, I was skeptical. But then I went on a converter Forage and learned I had a knack for it. When I presented His Engine-Noiselessness with nourishment for the first time, I experienced an unparalleled ecstasy. I remember thinking, ‘is this how Moses felt on the mountaintop?’”
According to Priusite, Hybridious and His followers are busy preparing for an event termed “The Great Neutrality.”
“When Hybridious is strong enough to emerge from His cavern, all will come to its glorious end,” Priusite explained. “It’s really quite simple. The only way we can eliminate emissions is by eliminating humanity.”
“My hour of need… draws to its end…,” rumbled Hybridious, flashing His blinkers and flailing His windshield wipers. “The great hush… it approaches…”
SUDPS could not be reached for comment.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Lana Tleimat at ltleimat ‘at’ stanford.edu.