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Old man wins election

Satire by

An old man was elected as the president of the United States on Tuesday, becoming the next in a long line of old men to take the role.

During the weeks preceding the election, polls seemed to favor the winner being another old man. Those predictions came true on Tuesday when an old man did, indeed, become president of the United States.

The old man is known best by the American people for wearing nice suits while saying things on television. The other old man, who is equally as old as the old man who won the election, is known for doing these things as well.

“I’m glad someone so old and so male is in charge of this country,” said Greg Holt, a proud voter for the winning old man. “I can rest well knowing that whatever problems this country is facing, the many, many years this old man has spent on this earth as a person with male genitalia and secondary sex characteristics have prepared him.”

For one political party, this is the old man they wanted to win. The other party wanted the other old man to win, so they get to be angry about it for a little while until they pick another old man to run in 2024. 

“The country has really never seen anything like this before,” said professor of political science and pundit Jeff Knightly. “This year is a clear and marked departure from the last fifty-eight American presidential elections, where two old men ran and one old man won. Except for that one time where an old lady ran, which was crazy. But an old man ended up winning that time too, anyways.”

This old man will begin his term as president on Jan. 20, 2021.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Lana Tleimat at ltleimat ‘at’ stanford.edu.

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Lana Tleimat '23 is Volume 258's Editor of Satire. She is from Columbus, Ohio, and isn't really studying anything. Contact her at ltleimat 'at' stanford.edu.