Satire by Kathryn Zheng
After the rapid ascent of Steve Kornacki, the lovable, map-obsessed MSNBC anchor, to the forefront of every Extremely Online person’s mind, Stanford students who exclusively wear khakis and spend far too much time doing math feel reinvigorated about their romantic prospects.
“I’ve been single ever since my girlfriend broke up with me in October of my freshman year,” confided junior and statistics major Tommy Reilly. “She told me I spent too much time ‘working on p-sets and trying to prove theorems’ and not enough time ‘being emotionally invested in our relationship,’ whatever that means. But seeing Steve Kornacki and all the people thirsting over him on Twitter gives me hope that I, too, will finally find love again someday.”
Sophomore Theodore Liu concurred with Reilly’s sentiments. In an interview conducted over the Canvas discussion board for Math 61C, Liu told The Daily that he has 10 slightly different pairs of khaki pants in his wardrobe, each with a specific, designated purpose. Liu was apparently ecstatic to see the unadulterated desire expressed by social media users upon witnessing Steve Kornacki in khakis.
“People always tell me that I should expand my fashion taste and stretch my boundaries, you know?” said Liu. “But now that I’ve seen how people reacted to Steve Kornacki, I know that’s not true. My khakis are my greatest asset, and I’m going to flaunt them, baby.”
When informed that part of Kornacki’s appeal came from his meticulous, magnetic control over the MSNBC election map, which no Stanford student had access to, Liu shrugged, stating, “Hey, I’ll just get a whiteboard. That’s the same thing, right?”
At press time, both Reilly and Liu were still single, but expressed blind optimism that they would find a partner soon.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Kathryn Zheng at kszheng ‘at’ stanford.edu.