On this Giving Tuesday, support The Daily's independent student journalism.


Donate

Campus COVID-19 outbreaks traced to students heeding call from faculty to ‘rise up’

Satire by and

The outbreak described in this article is fictional and cases remain low on campus. In light of the continued risk of exposure to COVID-19, it remains important to follow University and WHO guidelines instead of listening to the advice of unqualified political appointees.

After months of low COVID-19 case reports under stringent University guidelines, several new outbreaks have been identified on campus. Contact tracers have determined that the spike in cases can be traced to students following the advice of faculty members, specifically Hoover Institution Fellow and White House COVID-19 Task Force member Scott Atlas’s call to “rise up” against public health interventions.

The main cluster was traced to the University’s free surveillance testing center, where a group of students had stormed the facility and blocked others from completing the weekly testing required by the university. One student protester, Bay Jhattacharya, explained that their actions were inspired by Dr. Atlas’s statements in national media opposing testing asymptomatic individuals. Jhattacharya explained his concern that, “if Stanford students know they’re infected, then they might decide to isolate. That keeps us from doing Forced Infection and getting herd immunity.”

Contact tracers found that one protestor, Mike Ellivet, had seeded another outbreak earlier this week when he charged into Green Library without a mask, despite the campus-wide mandate. Ellevit later confirmed that he had received a free “COVID-19 starter kit” from the University earlier this quarter, complete with a reusable face covering. Upon entering the library, he began licking books shelved under 520.92 while screaming, “Big Brother says liberate Green Library!”

While the student was being removed from the building, a librarian attempted to explain to the student that Big Brother is an authoritarian ruler propped up by government officials through disinformation and propaganda. A confused Ellivet shouted back, “Masks work? NO!” echoing a tweet by Dr. Atlas that was removed from the platform after widespread outcry from the scientific community — and after being evaluated as false by independent fact-checkers.

Fortunately, another potential superspreading event was headed off early. A group of infected students, led by Ian Jannidis, was apprehended as they attempted to enter the Stanford Hospital wielding a large platter of turkey and mashed potatoes. Despite Stanford’s new bans on indoor gatherings of any size, the students intended to hold an early Thanksgiving Dinner in the ICU. Jannidis stated that they were following Dr. Atlas’s recommendations to hold large gatherings as cases begin to climb: “When he said on the news that this will be the Last Thanksgiving for many of our Fellow Americans, I knew that I had to come down here and do my part.”

The students who violated University rules in seeding these outbreaks have been forwarded to the Campus Compact Review Panel, where they face eviction and expulsion. Stanford University declined to condemn Dr. Atlas’s statements. The Hoover Institution released a statement saying that Jhattacharya, Ellivet and Jannidis had been offered fellowships.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

While you're here...

We're a student-run organization committed to providing hands-on experience in journalism, digital media and business for the next generation of reporters. Your support makes a difference in helping give staff members from all backgrounds the opportunity to develop important professional skills and conduct meaningful reporting. All contributions are tax-deductible.

Donate

Get Our EmailsGet Our Emails