Humor by Lana Tleimat
California voters have passed Proposition 22, a ballot measure that reclassifies drivers for rideshare apps as ‘soulless meat machines’ that require no benefits or payment.
“Of course we value the human-shaped tools that make up the Uber fleet,” said Uber CEO Dara Khosrowshahi. “We value that they have feet that can make the car go, and that their hands can turn steering wheels. We value that their bodies are so very good at moving customers from one place to another.”
Rideshare and gig app companies such Uber, Lyft and Postmates lobbied heavily for the proposition, which, among other mandates, requires that all employees under 25 donate a pint of blood to their company every six weeks so that its CEO may remain young and beautiful.
“It says here that they get ‘full parental and ownership rights’ over any of our existing or future children,” said Uber employee John Birch. “I’m really worried for my son Tony. His driver rating is at two stars because his little feet don’t reach the pedals.”
Proposition 22 not only gives companies full legal right to their drivers’ children and blood, but also the senses of self and identities of “the sentient car movers.”
“After I signed up to be a Lyft Driver, they asked me to turn in my license, and then I got one in the mail with my picture and the name ‘DRIVER-OBJECT HU9928,’” said new app-based driver formerly known as Jeremy Kang. “A few weeks later I went to the DMV to get a passport and the woman at the counter acted like I wasn’t there. Somehow she just knew. I don’t think I legally exist anymore.”
Despite outcry from human rights and labor groups, rideshare corporations claim that the bill benefits the “viscera-filled car operators” just as much as it does the companies they serve.
“I love Proposition 22!” wrote DRIVER-OBJECT HU9928 in a statement issued by Lyft. “My body is perfect for driving, and now I don’t have to do anything else!”
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.