“Hawley, the junior senator from Missouri, was described by one of his history professors at Stanford University as ‘among the two or three most gifted students I have taught in more than half a century at Stanford.’” – MSNBC, Hayes Brown

“Who? ‘John Holly’? Yeah … I don’t — I don’t think that rings any bells.” – Serious College Girlfriend of Three Years (’02)

“If evil and white privilege were twins, and then those twins incestuously had a baby, that baby would be Josh Hawley.” – Unnamed Classmate (Suspected to be Josh Hawley’s mom)

“He had this theory that the string of bicycle thefts was part of a larger unicycle-supremacist conspiracy called QUnicycle. And their goals were getting rid of all two-wheeled bikes and, weirdly, also child sex trafficking. I really think he was just stealing the bikes — I saw him doing it once. I just don’t know what he was doing with them.” – QUnicycle Denier (’02)

“I don’t want to talk about it.” – Bike

“He thought ‘white privilege’ was a Bed, Bath, and Beyond winter candle.” – An Attempted ‘Men’s Studies’ Major (’02)

“I love that guy!” – Harbinger of Evil, SCR President (’01)

“[Josh Hawley is] what would happen if a rat switched bodies with a frat guy, and then over the course of his life progressively turned back into a rat — and the only way to ward off the rat was by wearing skinny jeans.” – Guy That Really Hates Rats (’02)

“We called him Anti-Semitic Jimmy Neutron, Missouri’s Worst Compromise, Doug, Satan’s Step-Son Doug … ” – Former President of Tri-Six Fraternity (’00)

“He didn’t talk a lot, except when he was asleep. He used to shout, ‘The British are coming. The British are coming.’ It was funny until I realized he was saying it in a German accent.’” – Freshman Year Roommate (’02)

“We tried putting him up for adoption. No one wanted him.” – The Stanford Review

“He used to say, ‘When you’re Josh Hawley, every day’s a Hawley-day,’ and if that kind of wordplay isn’t evil, I don’t know what is [silent crying].” – Woman in Intense Therapy (’01)

“Meyer Green was flat before he showed up. Then, he decided he liked sitting there and every time he did it moved a little closer to Hell.” – Flat-Earther-Who’s-Right-For-Once (’01)

“A little too comfortable with blood on his hands.” – Hookup (Gave no identifying details and used a voice modulator)

“I don’t think you’re understanding how tight these jeans were — any time someone would bring up, I don’t know, the ‘fall of democracy,’ for example, you could see the outline of his dictator.” – Anti-Dictator-and-Really-Really-Anti-Insurrection-Activist (’02)

“ … Guy Who Eats Sushi with a Fork, First Frat Boy of the Apocalypse, Former Boy Band Member Who’s Now a Boy Band Lawyer, Guy Who Wrote a Missed Connection for Himself and a Thinned-Lipped Weasel in Khakis. That’s all that I can remember right now.” – Former President of Tri-Six Fraternity (Recently pardoned by the Trump Administration)

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Emma Parsons eparsons ‘at’ stanford.edu.